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I can only imagine what your day to day life looks like right now. You could be 18-21, studying in college, trying to explore your career ambitions and find where you belong in the workforce. Maybe you’re 22-26, you already work or found out what your life calling was and answer that call on a daily basis. I wonder if you’re passionate about sharing the Gospel or if God hasn’t steered your heart through that course yet. Do you participate in your local Church or did you find ways to honor, glorify, and acknowledge God outside of Church and didn’t feel called to draw closer to your local community?
A lot of beautiful questions can easily be formulated in my head about your physique and attitude. How tall are you? What color hair do you have, or perhaps prefer it dyed? Do you enjoy keeping it long? What color are your eyes? What is your skin tone? Do you have long, slender legs or a shorter stature? What are your facial features like? How do they correlate with your range of moods when you’re happy, sad, or neutral? Are you a talkative person or do you prefer to listen? Do circumstances in the vicinity change that?
The questions continue when I think about where you stand in your Spiritual walk, how you comport yourself and the way you prefer to be treated. Do you already know your worth as a woman of God? Is your identity already firmly grounded in Christ? Would you like it and embrace if I opened doors for you, paid the tab when we went out to eat or watch a movie, and escorted you back to your place when the night was over? Do you have the intellectual maturity to understand that I am not doing these things to get into your pants, but rather investing in the possibility of a future marriage partner? Would you be a virgin or would you have made some sexually promiscuous mistakes? Is pornography a struggle for you or would that be something foreign to your share of battles? Do you consistently pray for God to put on you His Full armor, lead you by His Holy Spirit, and bless you with the wisdom necessarry to make the right decisions on a regular basis? Are you quick to forgive others and likewise speedy to seek forgiveness from God when you’ve offended Him? Do you have any habitual sins that need to be conquered? What are your strengths? What are your weaknesses? What are the hobbies that you hold dear?
A lot of questions, and perhaps no answers for me. I say perhaps, because it’s possible I have already met or know you. It’s possible that I once knew you but then didn’t see you for a long time and then we met again. It’s also completely within the scope of possibilities that I have never even come across you in public or seen you anywhere my entire life. The questions don’t bother me in the slightest. These questions will be extremely fun to find answers to, and likewise experience each other’s company as we meet, draw closer together as friends, and evaluate whether there’s a possibility for more down the road. If I met you and we’re dating you can always count on the fact that I am considering marriage with you. If there is no chance for us to get married, I would be the first to tell you what irreconcilable differences would have led me to that conclusion and save us both wasted time, effort, energy, and resources. As it’s a two way street, I would also expect the same from you! Why would we play any games with one another in this regard when we’re both mature Christians who are looking to maximize our time here on earth to bring God glory, store up heavenly treasures, and execute His plan.
If I date a woman who is clearly out of that picture, it will be easy to decipher that after one date it’s not reasonable to continue. Realistically the first date may not even arrive. In this day and age I would probably know something of you before I ask you out, but if I don’t I will be sure to consider the context of where I am asking you out. I won’t be too confident about asking someone at random at a bookstore, from school, or the market in terms of whether or not they share the same passion for God I do. There’s a chance that their attractiveness, position, and general mannerisms could lead me to take a shot in the dark. The reality is that they are probably non-Christians who I would not go beyond the first date with. If I am asking a girl from church out on a date, at least I have the hope that you’ve got the same moral foundation. I don’t immediately assume that you have the same desire to fulfill the Great Commission by sharing Gods’ word actively or that you put God first in every area of your life. Such assumptions would be premature at best, and still very challenging to find within the Church.
I kind of went out on left field didn’t I? This was supposed to be a letter to my future wife, not a thought process of how challenging it might be to find you. God already knows who you are and knows you better than you know yourself. He already has an appointment for us to meet if we haven’t already met. He knows what we can and cannot handle. He won’t let me miss out on the opportunity to ask you for your phone number or ask you out on a date. He will give me a nudge on the shoulder or a mental alert so to speak when I see you on that beautiful day. He may have to help me stop admiring your beauty and start acting on how to approach you, before you walk out for the exit and the chance is lost.
What do I want in you? What do you want in me? Those are some good questions to ask and answer. Certainly I would be in denial to say I have no expectations, and likewise I would assume you have expectations of me. Which of those are completely reasonable, and what of those may we have to compromise on? I think it’s only fair that if I were to write a list of things I would expect of you, that I would write a congruent list of self-expectations. It’s going to be a two way street, we can easily see that from the first letter and any serious study of marriage in the word of God. As a matter of fact there may be very many times where my street is closed and only your street is open, or in other words I have to shower you with love, care, and attention because of a difficulty in your life. Other times my street might be wide open and yours could be closed. I cannot return every favor, but you’re still being loyal to me. I am swamped with work, but you’re still confident that my consistent aim is to keep our romance alive and to keep us mutually in the will of God. Our happiness isn’t a consistent guarantee. We should both want Gods’ glory to be consistently brought to the table of our lives by example and that may take a measure of sacrifice that both of us may be unfamiliar with right now. These may be totally foreign scenarios that could come about that could test the cord of three strands that we have built.
Ideally our lines of communication will be constantly open. Both with one another and more importantly with God above. In the beginning of our marriage I think being brought up as an only child, I will struggle to adapt to certain elements of normal life that to someone else would be laughable. This struggle will probably only last a little while, and I don’t suspect will cause any long term distress. I will adapt to doing my share of the housework. I touched on this in the last letter, so I won’t dwell on that. More importantly we have to keep our eyes mutually focused on God. In order to do that I think we need to make sure that we serve Him and not money, but that we’ve figured out our financial picture, mutual goals, and how all that looks in the short term as well as the long term. We’ve reached a point where we are content and ambitious. Where we both consistently face each day one day at a time and do not incur any unecessarry risks. That’s why I think premarital counseling is such a fantastic idea. Why start the journey without formulating some consistent gameplan? We need to think strategically, of course we’re going to be lovers. There’s going to be romance. I am going to love you like Christ loves the church, as best as I can and you will submit to my leadership to the extent that I do that. My point now is that part of that will be figuring out together how we’ll handle every day in a hypothetical sense. Who pays the bills? Who gets the cars washed or washes them? Who does the dishes? How do we make sure that we keep the spark of romance alive and reaffirming our feelings for one another? How can we make time for date nights, chocolates, and those strip poker games I mentioned last article? If you hate Poker, but support my hobby to play on occasion, what kind of fun, sexy games can we replace it with? God invented sex. The devil only tries to pervert it, and might I add does so successfully with many. The devil knows he cannot put a dent on our sex life. God knows we kept the marriage bed pure, we waited and it was painful. We embraced, but we didn’t cross the line. We kissed, hugged, and flirted – but we didn’t let emotional and uncontrolled desires ruin obeying His commands for sexual purity. You drew your lines and I probably had no lines to begin with apart from Gods’ written Word, but I respected your lines.
We both made it a plan to keep the other strong when one felt weak. Not only in areas of sexual temptation, but of gaining in prudence, discretion, and wisdom. We build each other up with our words as often as possible and try not to bring each other down. When some constructive criticism needs to be told, we tactfully tell the other with respect to their feelings. We compliment one another when genuine compliments are to be made, but we don’t throw them around when things need to be fixed and pretend what is broken is whole. We’ve decided that we will not give up on our marriage, that we’re in it until the day we die. That divorce is not an option, but not only that, that an unhappy marriage is unacceptable. We may mourn for a time when someone passes away or when an unfortunate circumstance comes our way. We may be sad occasionally when things come down and life rains difficulty. We’ve made it a point that we’re not going to live to wallow in guilt and self pity, fear, worry, stress, or anxiety. We turn over those things to God in prayer and pray for one another and for our families. Pray for our future children or currently growing child/children.
You aren’t one of those women who I ask how your day went or how you feel and replies “fine.” then bottles up her emotions. You know that with me you can share the world and I will still offer you unconditional love to the extent that I am blessed by God to be able to do so. You know that we can resolve what bothers you and that you can openly tell me what it is that we can work on. Is it something that I said? Is it something that I did? Is it an exterior problem that doesn’t even involve me that has you upset or discouraged? What can we do to solve it together? Sometimes you won’t want me to solve anything at all. Sometimes you’ll just want to cry on my shoulder or share some very real feelings that need to be vented. I understand. You may not want me to even react or offer words of advice. It’s possible that it’s an issue or set of issues that words do not suffice, but by prayer and being a listener you or I could process together.
We’re one flesh now, you know me better than my mom at some point. Only God knows me better than you, and His opinion is the only opinion I value higher than yours. I don’t take any action of major importance without consulting you first, and the feeling is mutual. We manage our lives together with precautions. With as much preparation, precautions, and mutual consideration Paul says that we’ll still experience trouble. It’s in Gods’ word and we both know that it’s only a matter of time before there’s an argument. We’ve got thick enough skin to know that we aren’t paperweights. We also don’t want to go through any unecessarry heartache over trivial matters. There’s no creation of drama where drama doesn’t exist. When the difficulty ramps up, we don’t crumble under pressure, we persevere and press onward. Then we become all the better for it, having survived and thrived amidst such experiences. We don’t just sit there and stay static or surrender. We only submit to God and allow Him to get us through everything. Then with that experience we know what paths we ought to avoid next time or where we need to be even more careful than usual. We learn something new every day and we don’t stop learning. Whether it’s about life itself, our careers, our hobbies, our loved ones, or our kid(s). We know that once you stop learning you get complacent, so we’ve committed to being lifelong learners of Gods’ word and drawing closer in our relationship with Him. We’ve decided to be involved in our local church and reach out to the lost in other endeavors. You respect my call to write and you support my book projects. I have learned where you have been blessed with gifts, talents, and resources – I also accept and fully support you in those too.
Nothing on this side of heaven has ever been perfect, nothing other than the life of Jesus Christ and the sacrifice He made for us. I am 26 years old and I am far from perfect, but you’ll get to know me enough that you’ll see if you can deal with my faults. I will also understand the same about you and we’ll know if we’re meant to marry and we know after that there’s no turning back. We will not want to turn back, because we’ll know that God gave me the green light to ask you. That He gave you the green light back to say yes, and that God can bring two imperfect people like us together and make a lasting, inspirational, and beautiful marriage out of it.
Let’s see when that time comes. I don’t claim to be ready, but I don’t feel like I am lacking too much. At least not as far as getting to know you. Gods’ opinion may be different, but I respect that with all my heart. It wouldn’t surprise me if I met you tomorrow, if I already knew you and it became more apparent, or if it took another few years for you to show up. What I know is that we serve the King of Kings and not a day goes wasted. As a single man of God I rely completely on Jesus Christ for my guidance, love, protection, hope, and continued support of all kinds. I know that my ultimate high is serving Him and that He knows my deepest hearts desires. He knows I long for a wife someday because I don’t think I can remain in my current life station without burning with passion. Somehow He still helps me to remain in my current life station until that day arrives. Some sexual iniquity has come and gone, but I truly believe I am being delivered from it. God is more than good, He is perfect.
Be good beautiful, don’t get dismayed. He is saving us for one another and it’s going to be amazing. Don’t take the days before we meet for granted, for none of us can boast about what may come tomorrow. Let each day worry of itself, for we don’t know what a day might bring and each brings enough troubles of its’ own. Each also brings enough blessings, challenges, and difficulties. Focus on what assignment He has for you, keep Him first in everything, and then all else will be added on to you.
I don’t know what the future holds, but I know God holds our future!
– Victor Nunez